Breaking the Silence!
It has been a quiet two and a half weeks since the last post — a period in which patience, perseverance and faith have been essential. The obligation due on the 20th of January was not able to be met in full, and although accommodations of grace were provided, allowing for less to be paid without a severe penalty, the call to stay in one’s peace was paramount.
It has taken until now for Paul to arrive at a point of willingness to be anything other than silent, in communion with me, thanking everyone individually for their contributions, and listening to know what to do now, and how to do it. After a conversation we had today, which I will share below, we are able to break the silence and embrace everyone with expectancy.
This will not be a long post, but it is an invitation of support, with special emphasis on “immediate,” since there are first-of-the-month expenses amounting to approximately $3,200, and there is a need to be able to purchase groceries, requiring a paycheck for Paul which was due yesterday but could not be written.
Having broken the silence, we look forward to resuming our activities, and we thank everyone for the part they play in the making of the gift.
February 5th, 2019
Conversation with Raj
PAUL: Is there something actually blocking our conversation? Or is it just me?
RAJ: It is nothing external.
PAUL: I am creating the negativity, the heaviness, the fear or anxiety? Why?
RAJ: It isn’t that you are creating it. It is that you are not letting yourself need. If you are too good to need anything, if you cannot let it be known that you are in need, then that which meets the need cannot manifest.
PAUL: I feel confused right now, and what you’re saying sounds more like my confusion than you. And if we are actually communicating, it’s not giving me much solace. It sounds like “words” not “connection.”
RAJ: I understand. But we are communicating.
PAUL: So, let’s go back. You are saying that I am not letting myself feel need and letting the need be known . . . because it won’t look good — “persona” stuff?
RAJ: That is exactly what I’m saying.
PAUL: Are you saying this is the whole problem?
RAJ: No, I am not saying that the “need” aspect is the whole problem, but that “looking good” is the whole problem. And the “looking good problem” has not arisen from the public nature of the work we do together, but from your childhood, where you learned that “looking good” was the way “being good” was accomplished. The only problem with that misunderstanding is that “behavior,” if it is to meet the definition of “being good,” must be the evidence of caring more about your brother than yourself.
“Looking good” is self-consciousness. It is caring more about yourself than your brother. And although, with some skill, it may look like “being good,” there will be no gift to it. In other words, it will not be the evidence of communion or insightful connection with your brother, from which behavior naturally arises that meets needs and demonstrates brotherhood because it confirms the fact that you understand each other. That’s “being good.”
PAUL: Thank you. The heaviness and negativity are gone.
RAJ: You are welcome.
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